Friday, June 03, 2005

shhhh, it's a secret

I happened upon this blog this week and it struck a nerve. A raw one.

On it, people write their 'secret' down on a postcard and mail it in then the blogger chooses, from the submissions, which to post every week. It absolutely blew my mind reading everyone's ultra private thoughts. I felt so voyeuristic because it's so intimate. In the small amount of text that can fit onto a traditional postcard, such powerful messages can be relayed.

I know that a lot of people bare their dirty underwear blissfully (and in many cases, inanely) in their blogs but this, in its anonymity, the intimacy is intense. The absence of responsibility, risk, guilt, incrimination (I could go on...) creates an environment for honesty and confidentiality that is so simple in its humanity but so rarely found in another environment.

I am a person who is painfully private. So much so, that I fear the inability to have a truely honest and intimate relationship with anyone, including my husband. I have such a profound fear of recrimination and humiliation that I can not trust anyone with my most private thoughts and feelings.

I can't even talk to my doctor (of 10+ years) about the depression I battle weekly. I seriously need some Happy Pills but despite the fact that I pep-talked myself for days leading up to today's appointment, when the time came I clammed up and didn't mention anything about it. Which, of course, makes me feel even worse.

I see him again on the 14th so I'll continue to prepare the conversation and see how it goes.

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