[kiss my crisis]

Family Reunion?

So, mom called today to extend an invitation to The Family Barbeque. First of all, they aren't really MY family, they're my mom's. I've never met most of them; they are all of her aunts, uncles and cousins. But let me tell you a little bit of what I know about them (and likely the reason our side of the family has never been close to theirs).

I'll start off with a brief description of our side, just for comparison. Please don't judge.

Grandma....now, my Grandma is great. My Grandpa died when I was in grade 11 but growing up, theirs was the house we went to after school when my mom was working. Grandma likes her rye and water but hey, she's almost 80 and and if she likes to drink herself to sleep every night she's earned it.

Mom....My mom is the oldest of the 4 children in her home and frighteningly enough, the most normal of the bunch. And that's saying something considering she believes herself to be part of a family from a past life (the Prescotts). When she lived in Vancouver, she'd actually get together with this group and have 'family dinners' where they would only refer to each other by their past-life names. I believe she was Lydia Prescott but I could be totally wrong there.

Walter...He's Walter jr, named after my Grandpa, and a prison guard. He's also obsessed with money and material gain. If it wasn't for his waterfront home, 72" tv and his Mercedes he would be nothing, apparently. At least that's what I assume from hearing him tell everyone about it incessantly. The fact that his wife inherited the money that allows them to live a comfy life being completely beside the point.

Roxanne...She's an interesting character; a loud drama queen hypocondraic and every day is a party. They live in a really skuzzy part of town and love it (I think it's because they fit right in.) and spend every last dime on booze and take out. Her husband is one of those guys you just want to tie up and muzzle. I could go on and on about some of their antics but this is about the other crazy side today.

Dawn...the baby of the family and also relatively normal but also a little unbalanced. She actually takes meds to keep it under control as opposed to the others who wear their crazy like a bagde of honour. She's a teacher with a former-cokehead husband and 2 rotten teenagers. Nothing too wild.

Among these other cousins at this shindig on Sunday there's Lyle who served time for statutory rape for screwing the babysitter. There's Jeanie who gave a baby up for adoption as a teenager and is now playing 'mommy' to a 30 year old woman. There's Brian who has eight children by eight different women. Yes, I said 8. And there's Terry who has been in and out of the loony bin all his life and refuses to take his meds.

I reserve two days a year for the not-quite-so crazy aunts and uncles who are actually in my immediate family, Christmas Eve and one day in the summer for a family BBQ, date to be determined. That's it. My contractual obligations end there.

Ummm...SO not going.

2 tell me what you really think: