[kiss my crisis]

*shopping update*

We have clothes. After wrestling her to the ground and dragging her into the dressing room with at least one item in each store we went to, she conceded and will not be going to school wearing the swimsuit she's lived in all summer.

Although I wish she'd wear the odd skirt, apparently I have given birth to Sporty Spice and we only shop in the boys' department. It has to be comfortable. And the shoes have to be FAST. And cool. Cool apparently means camoflage print big enough to fit three people inside. At least the boys won't be staring at her ass. If I can just get this 'baggy pants' thing to last about 10 more years we'll be safe but I'm not holding my breath.

My girl also lost her first tooth this week. She's seven and going into grade three and has been rather pissed that she was the only kid in her class with all her baby teeth. 'What a lo-ser' *roll eyes*

Driven by all the glory that is Adult Teeth and an insatiable craving for money, she was so excited that she FINALLY had a loose tooth this week. She's been absolutely obsessing about it. Wiggling it. Talking about it (which totally wigs my husband out). Eating apples and carrots. Within two days she had taken it from barely wiggling to hanging by a few strings - then she just ripped it right out of her head! She was giggling maniacally and, frankly, freaking us right out.

Under her pillow tonight was not just the tooth, but also a note for the Tooth Fairy:

Dear Tooth Fary,

Can you pleese leev me 20 buks? I'll do anything!!!!!!!! Pleeeeees

I am so afraid. We are in for a world of hurt when puberty hits this girl.

5 comments! kim e posted at 12:03 AM
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busy, busy, busy...

With the first day of school on the blessed horizon, my days have been filled with preparations. Dentist appointments, shopping for school supplies, new clothes, backpacks, lunch boxes, shoes. The list is never ending and SO not cheap. Who's idea was it to have three kids anyway? Oh right - it was my grand plan....

I took my daughter shopping for a frustrating 2 hours yesterday and came home with nothing. She likes nothing. She will try on nothing. She refuses to shop in the girl's department but still can't find what she wants in the boy's department. So, we returned home empty-handed. I don't know who's child she is but she certainly can't be mine.

We applied for a mortgage yesterday but have only been approved for $220k. Where we live $220k will get you an 'ok' house in the ghetto or a near-condemned house in a decent area. Seeing that I will neither raise my children in the ghetto or in a shack, we'll keep saving for a bigger downpayment. Momma likes her ocean view.

In the meantime, we'll continue to pay someone else's mortgage for them. Fun.

1 comments! kim e posted at 3:31 PM
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Not that anyone is counting.....

19 days left until school starts.

3 comments! kim e posted at 2:01 PM
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Spam-o-rama

Oversimplication Q. Unstudied*
Titmouse O. Impacted*
Impending K. Hookup*
Bullfinch F. Sarcastically*
Slums F. Stratifying*
Speeder H. Enraptures*
Hallucinatory P. Handkerchief*

For the love of BABY F. JESUS will someone please teach these morons how to spam?

Now, I'm a girl who knows how to sell shit; it's what I do for grocery money. I can get my brain around a market like a seasoned used car salesman - no one even sees me coming.

But for the love of Jesus And His Money, how completely devoid of God-given, ever-lovin', common sense do you HAVE to be to open an email with the FROM: address of Exportation B. Returnables* or Headphone P. Deadpan*

* names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent

2 comments! kim e posted at 11:50 PM
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Slumber Slut

I had a dream last night that I was making out with Zach Braff in a club in Vegas. Although I LOVE Vegas, I actually hate that show he's on (Frankly, it insults my intelligence because I'm not a 12 year old boy obsessed with potty humour) and he's never really done anything for my mojo before. But dude! He was a really good kisser and it was a way hot dream so I may have to add him to my list of Top Five Guys I Would Totally Do, along with Rick Schroeder and Vince Vaughn, although no one will ever usurp the top spot from Jon Stewart.

I love him. I really do.

5 comments! kim e posted at 12:08 AM
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On Boobs and Breast Cancer

"So, I got my new boob today."

"Oh? How does it feel?"

"Big, heavy, and hot."

"Ah. So just like a real one then."

0 comments! kim e posted at 1:03 PM
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Shit Storm

This morning I was on the phone when my daughter came running into the room, tears in her eyes, screaming 'Something really bad just happened!'

I'm thinking: Little Buddy fell off the top bunk? Lawmower accident, much daddy blood? H got hit by a car on the way across the street? WHAT? WHAT IS IT? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST TELL ME! You can't just start off a conversation like that without QUICKLY getting to the 'bad' part. Really.

It turns out the toilet jammed up and was pouring shit water, including floaters, all over the bathroom. Out into the hall and down the register into the bathroom downstairs. Who puts a heat vent in the floor of a bathroom anyway? That's got to be a 1960's stroke of architectural genius. There was, literally, a shit waterfall in the downstairs bathroom.

My couragous husband was braving the shit volcano and had waded in to attempt to stop the flow. He had his pants rolled up and was standing on two soaking towels, straddling the porcelain beast, ramming a plunger down its throat. There was crap everywhere. My daughter was in the hallway bawling and I was trying my best not to freak the fuck out.

You see, I have issues with shit germs. We don't have a soap dish; it's liquid only in this house because I'm not touching a bar of soap that someone just touched with their wiping hand. We don't have one of those cute toothbrush holder thingies that matches the soap dispenser either. When you flush the toilet microscopic shit germs are dispensed into the bathroom atmosphere and land on any available surface, including the toothbrushes in those neat matchy holders. And that's just nasty.

It took every ounce of my sanity and every towel in the house to mop up the shit river. Then began the bleaching process.....

I washed the floors three times and I think they're ok now but my daughter is still afraid to flush the toilet.

2 comments! kim e posted at 11:58 PM
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Nostalgia

I ran into an old boyfriend last week, the one I dated before I met my now-husband. Things didn't end well back then - I was a pretty unhealthy person in 1990 but we had seen each other around and had somewhat mended fences many years ago. This likely occured over a few tequila shots with drunken hugs and some 'you're my besht buddy!' and ''you know I shtill love ya!' action at a party somewhere.

The encounter was unexpected because I had heard he's been out of the country for a few years and didn't live here anymore. He was out for lunch with his grandma, of all things... (Why do they always come out looking like the perfect sweet gentlemen after all these years?)

I saw him first and I wasn't sure if he saw me or not. Of course, I avoided eye contact until the very last minute, feigning pleasant surprise, carrying a charming, sugar-coated smile all over my face. He took one look at me, turned around, and walked the other way. Uhhh...say wha'?!

This could be one of a few scenarios:
1. He doesn't remember our 'it's all ok' drunken conversation and still holds bitter feelings after 15 years. Highly unlikely unless he's either a complete loser or I was far more special in his mind than I deserve.

2. Maybe he didn't eve see me and he was turning back to help his grandma out to the car and I am completely over-reacting.

3. Perhaps I have changed SO much in the last 15 years that he didn't even recognize me.

Possibility #3 is completely horrifying to me. Not that this was a good thing, but back when we dated, part of me being 'unhealthy', along with being a selfish, snotty little bitch, I also had a bit of an eating disorder.

Side note: is being 'kinda anorexic' like being 'kinda pregnant'?

That's right - I didn't eat back then. Well, I may have once a day. I weighed under 100 lbs. And ummm....let's just say that I weigh just a LITTLE more than that now. *dripping with sarcasm*

The possibility that my body has morphed into this big, soft, baby-producing lump of lard that appears so completely different from my highschool yearbook photo and good-old-days memories so as to be completely unrecognizable to those I knew way-back-when is enough to send me directly to purge mode. I love food way too much now to starve myself now - I'd better learn to stick my finger down my throat. Or maybe I'll go on the Supermodel Diet; nothing but cocaine, diet pepsi, and cigarettes. Twenty year reunion, here I come........

3 comments! kim e posted at 12:25 AM
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Critical Mass

I have come to realize something: three nights is definitely my critical mass when it comes to sleeping outdoors in makeshift 'homes'. Three nights of dirty children hopped up on the sugar cereal and root beer we allow them to consume freely once a year. Three nights of smelling like campfire smoke - and the breathing in of said smoke. Three nights of sleeplessness because I have supersonic Mom Hearing and am awake at every little noise.

The ocean front, sandy beach resort with spacious, private campsites turned out to be a windy, dusty parking lot across-the-street-and-through-the-houses away from a rocky, barnacle-covered, no sand, bit of ocean. We could hear it, but we couldn't see it. The kids went swimming once but got tossed around in the chuck and thrown onto the barnacles. That was the end of the beach.

That being said, the first 97% of the trip was really fun, even when we were holed up in our friends' motor home during the torrential rainshower on Sunday. You might think that a monsoon would be a trip ruiner but we drowned our sorrows in a cometitive game of '31' where the person with the lowest hand every round had to do a jello shooter. (I think Jon was throwing the game on purpose...) If you don't know, booze makes everything better so the afternoon was A-OK in my mind. The naps ensued as we are all officially too old to drink in the middle of the afternoon.

The adults were outnumbered by children 6:4, plus a 9 week old puppy, but we wrestled them all into submission when they misbehaved*. And when that didn't work we bribed them with money. Whatever will get 10 minutes of peace. There was even a playground that held their attention for brief moments and as long as they stayed out of the way of the cars, they were free to run wild like little savages. Think 'Lord of the Flies'.

After filling spiking their bedtime hot chocolate with vodka* the children went to bed without a fuss each night. All except for our friends' 2 year old, he wasn't so easy. He was onto us and our vodka trick and he wasn't having any part of it. We had to bring out the big guns - tequila*! - but the tequila had the opposite efffect on him and the party was ON. His mommy had to resort to handcuffs and once tied to his bed*, his only option was to sleep. Next year I'm bringing the Valium*; that should fix him.

We were with good friends, rested and relaxed at times, so it was just fine. If we could just shake these kids for a few days we might actually have a relaxing vacation but that'll have to be another time...

* not really

Photos here